I miss the fear factor

 

I grew up very shy. Timid is probably a more fitting description. I hardly spoke, not because I couldn't or didn't know what to say (quite the contrary, actually), I just lacked the needed boldness and courage to express my thoughts in words and as time passed, I tried to rationalize it in different ways. At some point I settled with this; I am reserving my words for when it's needed. Not everyone is worthy of hearing my thoughts, therefore, I will only speak when it's absolutely necessary. Not entirely true.

Life is funny though. My grades in my early days in school didn't agree with my personality. Although that changed considerably several years after but for most of my primary school, I was always top of the class and because of that, I was made to talk! Answer questions in class, act in dramas, recite memory verses end of year events, etc. Church was not left out either, my parents were active in the local church and that meant their children had to be too. I was an active member of the children's church, participated in literally every event and by the time I was 10 years old, I had my first preaching engagement and although it was a children themed event, the audience was filled with people 5 times my age and who have heard at least, 1000 sermons.

These led me to develop a simple, yet effective strategy. For everytime I have to go and speak in front of people who are not my parents and siblings, I practiced like my life depended on it. Every word, phrase, tone, mannerisms, etc, I practiced so well, most times I would correctly guess the follow up questions and have an answer ready for each one. I remember having to memorize and recite John chapter 1, verses 1 - 5 and at that time, it was the hardest assignment I had ever confronted. First, I was the only child who was given more than 2 verses but, the only thing I hated more than talking in public was being embarrassed in public and what do we say to the god of embarrassment? Not today!

I caught on quickly to the antics of older people, all those cheers and claps they do when someone forget their line on stage was not going to encourage me, I was familiar with their game and wasn't going to give them that chance.

I practiced over and again, so much, I can recite those verses in a dream till date.

As I grew older and smarter, however, I got more opportunities to talk in front of different crowds and audience, big and small and the more I did, the less anxious I got and that meant fewer practice and as you may guess, I began to experience failure and embarrassments.

Sometimes, I miss the fear factor.

I miss being unable to sleep properly before a big night. I miss the practice and some dose of fear induced rehearsals.